The Zen of a victim mentality

I know this guy. I’ve struggled as to whether or not to call him a friend or an associate, or what, so I’m  going to leave it at: I know this guy.

He hacked into his girlfriend’s email and – of course – found correspondence between her and another dude. And the upshot is the correspondence was laced with desire and interest. The guy confronted his girlfriend and she was (to her credit) up front about the fact that the emails had been sent but there was nothing other than the emailing going on.

But get this. The guy then got all woe-is-me.

This is where the Zen comes in. A year or so ago my girlfriend was seeing someone and I busted her. Then I blew my top. Bigtime. And we managed to sort things out. But in the months that have followed I’ve been vigilant about that episode. I thought that I was protecting myself from something but what I’ve realized is that I was actually clinging to a victim mentality.

When the guy I know was telling me his story, I had a moment where I said: “This is so unattractive. I don’t want to be like that.” (And there were hints of bitterness here and I made a vow many years ago to never become bitter.) The next thing I knew, I had released the energy but also let a whole lot of other instances of being a victim tag along and I felt a whoosh as I dissolved this pattern. It was f*cking cool.

Afterwards I wanted to pick up the tab for beers but then I thought, “F*ck that.” Besides I think he makes a lot more money than I do. But I remain eternally grateful because I’ve noticed that all that pent up energy I had been investing in being a victim, can be used for other things. Like exercise. And reading. And sex.

I realize that everyone can get a little lost in the heat of the moment, but once the moment has passed and there is time for reflection, reflect. And as someone who was abused and treated poorly in a lot of ways, I know that cutting old ties is one of the best ways to move forward. I’m not even saying you have to get into the business of forgiveness but you can at least let go of being held back. I do believe that when we get stuck in old moments and cling to them, we are held in place.

For any of you looking to let go of old “stuff,” to heal old wounds, to move forward. Give yourself permission to move on and then do whatever it is you need to do to learn to let go. Move to another city. Stop hanging around people who don’t love you. Get a good therapist. If you don’t like discussing your problems with other people, learn how to be self-honest and really identify who you are and where the problem begins and ends and where you begin and end, and see if you can gently sever that connection.

I’ve spent decades working on this sort of thing which is why I think I was able to so easily let go. I can’t believe I’m going to write this but -- I’m really glad the guy hacked into his girlfriend’s email as it ended up being of service to me. Thanks dude.