Live to feel alive.

I don't live life in fear of death. I live life in order to live it to the fullest.

Today I'm going to be super lazy --

Read this gem.

Okay, I've realized I have something to say, to those of you who don't have kids.

People have been dying and being killed for a long time. I don't remember reading anyone's blog post about hearing the news of a U.S. drone killing civilians in the Mid-east as something that provoked an ah-ha moment about seizing the day.

Approach the day not as if you will not live to see another, approach the day because this is the one you were given to live TODAY. Approach your loved-ones not as if you may never see them again. Love them because that's is what you can do TODAY.

Folks. This is it. Right here. Right now.

Earlier this year when the two kettle bombs went off at the finish line of the Boston marathon, one of my relatives was seated at the finish line at the time of detonation. My uncle. Luckily he was across the street and was uninjured. He said it was scary. Later that night I was on facebook reading posts by my friends in Beantown who have kids. They reported on hugging the kids tighter, kissing them more, etc.

If you're a bit of a curmudgeon (I'm not an affectionate person), as well as childless, you're going to need to look somewhere else for inspiration. I suggest you look inside your heart. I suggest you cast off all the bull crap and live a life that means something to you. I say this to my friends all the time, "I've got one life and I plan to live it my way." I may end up crawling into my grave with no savings but I still plan on dying young, healthy, and having lived my life.

All of this was in someway informed by the bombings of the World Trade Centers on September 11, 2001. I declared that I would not live in fear. I started to volunteer a lot more of my time. I started to eat better. Trust me, when the terrorists show up you're going to want to be able to run in the opposite direction of the bomb (threat). You're going to need to be in shape. You're going to want to fight in the way that is appropriate for you. Start a new business. Start crossing things off your bucket list. People, a lived well-lived is the best offense.

Please. Start living. Today.

various waking states

My ex was one of the most neurotic people I've ever dated and ever known. She was literally afraid of everything. For some reason none of that bothered me. I felt like she was on her path and she had to go through the things she had to go through. I've got my own to-do list handed to me by the Universe.

This warning from the CDC reminded me of her and one of our arguments from a few months back.

She was in one of her usual moods and we headed to the farmers market. We picked up some veggies and some fruit. All of it organic. We returned to the apartment and went about the rest of the day. I was writing and she was doing homework. Later on, thinking nothing of it, I moved the cantaloupe from one side of the counter to the other and prepped some food. The GF got all weird and told me to bleach the counter top. I bleached the counter and continued with my food prep. Hours and hours later we were playing canasta and I asked, What was going on with the cantaloupe earlier?

The GF got defensive and weird, started crying, and yelled at me. And in the end, it turned out she feared E coli bacteria was on the outside of the cantaloupe and would contaminate the kitchen.

The thing is, she might have a point but I also pointed out to her that I trust myself to know which foods are safe and whenever there's been a food recall in the past 10 years, I have never been one to buy any of the products on the recall.

Just to freak the GF out I used to tell her stories about the hot dog vendors who prepared my hot dogs with the same gloved hand they use to handle the cash. Today I'll probably go to the guy who makes falafel with the plastic glove on the same hand he uses to prep veggies, makes sammies, and then grabs my change from the bin. This is a classic safe-serv failure.

The ex had this awesome episode. She went into Whole Foods and went to the deli. The guy behind the counter had touched a variety of surfaces with his gloved hand. She asked him to put on a new glove. He did so, then he grabbed a pencil with the new glove to write down her order. Needless to say, the ex had a min panic attack and couldn't eat the sandwich.

All of this is to say several things:
1. dating a neurotic woman can be very entertaining
2. most of us will survive exposure to the usual bacteria
3. buy organic
4. wash fruits and vegetables, store them in sanitary conditions
5. don't be like me and eat foods that come in contact with nasty, dirty, germ-infested dollar bills (I'm just super macho and like taking unnecessary risks)

An interesting thing happened on the way to Rome.

This past week I entered into my first real estate transaction. True I’m only buying a few acres of land but it’s the first time I’ve ever made purchase on this scale. This could be characterized as my first major purchase. To date the only large ticket items I have ever purchased have been new computers and used cars. 2 of each to be exact.

It’s kind of cool to have broken the seal on this.

As some of you may know (if you’ve been following this blog), I left home at age 17, a few months shy of high school graduation. I lived on the streets for a while, managing to almost flunk every class but ultimately earned my diploma, owing to the fact that I’d been a good student until I left home. 

When I left home, headed for parts unknown (really just the closest city), I more or less left behind everything.

For many years I had no interest in living a conventional life and I had very little to do with my parents. One of the reasons I had left was because I despised my parents and anything that smacked of “the establishment.”

I realized that living on the streets was unsustainable, in fact it was very damaging, so I elected to return to society. I’ve always lived in rented apartments either with a girlfriend or roommates. I had a series of low wage jobs until 1998 when I took my first salaried position. At that time I had only college debt. I spent the next ten years paying down my debt. I’ve never been big on consumer spending so I didn’t have to pay down any of that debt.

About 8 years ago I decided that I needed to figure out how to save money. At that time I had $0 savings. I used to watch PBS money shows in the evening. One night I heard a guy mention that people “need to be in control of their emotions to be in charge of their money.” That sounded so simple and like something I could do. Since that day I’ve been in charge of my emotions and money.  

I bought the land with cash = every last cent I have. No way in hell was I going to give a bank one cent in fees or interest or nuthin. Someday I’ll probably build a small house on the land. The house will make use of passive heating. I haven’t figured out how to get water into the abode without electricity, other than a dug well which tends to dry up in the late summer, but I’ll keep looking around for that solution.

It was weird as I was entering into purchasing the land when I realized that I didn’t “have” anyone of the parental type to ask for advice and/or discuss the deal with. Yes both of my parents are among the living and I do have a civil relationship with both of them, but I haven’t got even 1 iota of desire to hear their thoughts on anything. You might think that sounds harsh but I have my reasons. In the end I had to pay a lawyer for sound advice (so yeah, thank goddess for lawyers). There was a moment of looking for someone older, and wiser, whom I trusted and finding no one, I didn’t feel regret -- I took a minute to reflect back on my entire life and I realized that while I have made a lot of mistakes, I’ve also lived a life that has been all mine and that when the big moments come along I can usually trust my guts and make good decisions. (wow, that was on heck of a run-on sentence.)

It feels cool to be a landowner. I’m looking forward to taking good care of my few acres. I think I’m gonna set up a camera to photograph the wild life that traipses through. I’ll be sure to post those pics on this blog. Stay tuned.

tiny reminder

Hi folks. I want to remind you that this blog is my way of putting my ideas about life and death, specifically, how to die well, out there.

I spend a good deal of time reading and thinking. I read financial blogs, I read memoir and biography. I spend at least 30 minutes each day meditating as a way to make space in my cluttered head, so that insights can emerge.

I'm not an expert on anything. Actually, if I'm an expert on anything it's how to make mistakes.

This morning I came across this blog. The guy kinda bugs me. Reading that he and his wife Betty enjoy simple meals, simple pleasure, and simple living with their million dollar nest egg is just so blah. Technically I'm not a proponent of simple anything. I think that we should live dynamic lives that are filled with texture. I like that Bob has (or had) a plan for retirement and he and Betty seem to be happily heading to their graves. Perhaps we can expect a simple service when the time comes. Take a look.

And one of the things I wanted to get into yesterday that I didn't get to was this: my 22 year old nephew died of a drug overdose last week. I'm not campaigning for any sympathy for him. He dropped out of high school, sold and used drugs. He thought he was a tough guy. And perhaps he was tough. My heart goes out to his mother, because she is in a lot of pain. He was her first born and the apple of her eye.

And then I read the news about the guy who walked into LAX; shot a few people and killed one of them.

The thing of it: none of us knows when we are going to go. Yeah, if you're putting yourself in the line of danger you've possibly increased your chances of an early, ugly exit. But for the rest of us who are trying to enjoy ourselves and live the good life, we live in a world filled with crazy people and unpredictable events. Hit a patch of black ice, late at night, go careening off the edge of the road and smash into a tree. Game over. (I know a guy who did just that. He was gone at age 35. Technically none of this was his fault. He left behind a wife and child.)

The reason to aim for a good death is this: if you've lived as wholly and completely, as authentically as you can, when you go, we'll all miss you but we'll look back and think about what a grand time you had while you were alive. Maybe you'll have done something that inspired us.

Planning for the future is wise, just don't do it at the expense of being here today. If you've got dreams, pursue them. If you love someone, really love them. Be smart and have fun. And don't let anyone tell you that you can't live the life you want.

got fridge?

This past summer I visited a few mansions and when I saw the indoor plumbing (tub, sink, toilet) I found myself underwhelmed. And I had think about that a bit and it dawned on me: in 1910 if I hadn't been among the top 1% I would've been living in some really ugly conditions. But what's even more intense is that there are people right now, today, who are living WITHOUT a toilet, fridge, and indoor hot and cold water. Look here.

Believe you me, you wouldn't want to trade positions with them. But the point is: if you’ve got: indoor plumbing, waste treatment, and a refrigerator you’re doing better than 40% of the world’s population. Should you be able to stock that fridge with food for a week you’re doing really well.

  

Got a checking account? Got a savings account? If you said no to both, figure out how to start with at least a basic checking account. If you haven’t got savings see if there’s room to grow. It’s true that some people are so strapped for cash they don’t have any savings. I didn’t have savings until I was in my 30s. But then again I left home when I was 17 and wasn’t particularly interested in following convention. The problem is, I wasn’t interested in following much of anything.

Looking back, I wish I’d had a stronger sense of self. I would’ve pushed myself waaaaay harder to never come back to the mainstream. I can’t stand the mainstream. The rat race affords some perks but sometimes I think I’m only breaking even.

But I fought like hell to get out of living in survival mode. So I've got to make the most of it.

Recently my girlfriend and I broke up. And while I miss her dearly things were not going well. In May she’d lost everything (except her dog, car, and computer) in a fire. Yup. She had to start from scratch. In a weird way watching her rebuild made me think about a lot of things. Obviously I pitched in and donated all the spare stuff I had and bought her a couple of appliances and generally did what I think a supportive partner should do. But as I watched her replace all her furniture I was hit by a couple of things, and one of those things might be “like duh” to you but I had never really thought about all the energy that we expend as we move about our daily lives. Driving around, buying food, cooking food, buying new stuff, being in each other’s lives. 

When I go into my apartment each night I'm entering a world of accumulation. Slowly I've added the furnishings, appliances, books, DVDs, clothing, pets, etc etc.

One day not too long ago, I noticed that the gf and I had hit a point of diminishing returns. We were building a life, but we were building a life I couldn’t inhabit. The day I made this realization was a rough day. How could I put another ounce of effort into a life I wasn’t going to live? The answer is: I couldn’t. Therefore I had to leave.

It strikes me as odd that my gf had to lose all her worldly possessions in order for me to wake up more fully to a life I want to live. But waking up is something I’m game for. I meditate and (on occasion) fast, and I exercise (mind and body and spirit) so I can be open to insight.

The ex- hasn’t talked to me in a while and won’t communicate along the usual channels (phone, text, email).  I’m left to think that she’s pissed off but I figure she would’ve been waaaay more pissed off had she found out I was living a lie. Or at the very least, I would’ve been pissed off with myself had I perpetuated a lie.

But back to the fridge. At the time that Edith Wharton was enjoying her time at The Mount, women in the United States did not have the right to vote. But Edith had her snazzy fridge. By 1920 the 19^th Amendment to the Constitution would grant women the right to vote. In 1993 the FMLA became a federal law. Now, should you (be female and) work in an office that’s covered, you can request a fridge just for breast milk. That’s right. In less than 100 years we’ve gone from only the wealthy in the U.S. (maybe a few thousand people) have an ice box, to female office workers (somewhere in the millions) with new-borns (somewhere in the 100,000) get a fridge in their cubicle.

If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is.