I haven't been able to verify the following, but I believe there is an Irish saying that refers to winter as the season of death. Which sounds kind of like a no brainer.
Tomorrow I mark the anniversary of the murder (which has gone unsolved) of my uncle. It's been over 40 years since his body was found badly beaten and abandoned. Each year I do something small to mark the occasion. This year I went to see Anonymous Four perform at Corpus Christi church in Manhattan. There are few things as sacred as a group of world class vocalists performing medieval song. I find listening to prerecorded early music grating -- it's either live and in-person or I have no interest. (A few months back I heard Ensemble Plus Ultra perform a version of kyrie eleison that was spine tingling.)
In any event, I've never really been a big fan of Christmas. I find that it lacks any true celebration and has become utterly bogged down in commercial interests. On Christmas I'll end up having a cup of hot cocoa and watching a b/w movie on DVD with my roommate, and call it a day.
And as I've been thinking about death, which I tend to do even when I'm not memorializing one of my lost family members, I've noticed a slight shift in my perspective. This past weekend when I had the chance to either drive in the snow storm that blanketed the Northeast or to sit-it-out and drive after the storm had passed, I chose the latter. While the storm raged, the roommate and I had hot cocoa and watched old b/w movies. (Yes, we were rehearsing for Christmas.) In the past I would've felt that driving in life-threatening conditions was a challenge that I had to take on. Not so right now. I can't tell if I'm being more kind to myself or what?
In my quest to die young I've realized that I'm starting to like life more and taking the time to protect my life. It's weird b/c I'm still okay with dying tomorrow if that's what the Universe has planned but I'd kind of like to be around a bit longer to see if I can finesse this new way of viewing things. I'm curious to see what life will be like when I stop being macho and putting myself in tough situations just to see if I can survive them. I still want to take risks but I want to take different risks and it may take a few posts for me to work out the kinks in this logic.
What it boils down to (for today) is this: there are a lot of hateful, crazy people out there. There are a lot of REALLY bad drivers out there. There are a lot of weird things that could happen to end my life suddenly but in the meantime I want to live a bigger life. I want to enjoy who I am. I want to do something to improve the world.
And as we enter the deadliest time of year we might want to remember to ground ourselves so we aren't those unlucky folks who stop paying attention just long enough to drive into a ditch, or plow into another car, or experience some equally dreadful happenstance. If you give anyone anything this year, try to give yourself the gift of life by paying attention.
I'll take being around for another day over any sort of material gift that someone can bestow on me.
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