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Irish proverb

It is easy to halve the potato where there is love.

(I love the way my ancestors thought about food.)

If you're feeling really cheerful, DON'T read this post.

I haven't been able to verify the following, but I believe there is an Irish saying that refers to winter as the season of death. Which sounds kind of like a no brainer.

Tomorrow I mark the anniversary of the murder (which has gone unsolved) of my uncle. It's been over 40 years since his body was found badly beaten and abandoned. Each year I do something small to mark the occasion. This year I went to see Anonymous Four perform at Corpus Christi church in Manhattan. There are few things as sacred as a group of world class vocalists performing medieval song. I find listening to prerecorded early music grating -- it's either live and in-person or I have no interest. (A few months back I heard Ensemble Plus Ultra perform a version of kyrie eleison that was spine tingling.)

In any event, I've never really been a big fan of Christmas. I find that it lacks any true celebration and has become utterly bogged down in commercial interests. On Christmas I'll end up having a cup of hot cocoa and watching a b/w movie on DVD with my roommate, and call it a day.

And as I've been thinking about death, which I tend to do even when I'm not memorializing one of my lost family members, I've noticed a slight shift in my perspective. This past weekend when I had the chance to either drive in the snow storm that blanketed the Northeast or to sit-it-out and drive after the storm had passed, I chose the latter. While the storm raged, the roommate and I had hot cocoa and watched old b/w movies. (Yes, we were rehearsing for Christmas.) In the past I would've felt that driving in life-threatening conditions was a challenge that I had to take on. Not so right now. I can't tell if I'm being more kind to myself or what?

In my quest to die young I've realized that I'm starting to like life more and taking the time to protect my life. It's weird b/c I'm still okay with dying tomorrow if that's what the Universe has planned but I'd kind of like to be around a bit longer to see if I can finesse this new way of viewing things. I'm curious to see what life will be like when I stop being macho and putting myself in tough situations just to see if I can survive them. I still want to take risks but I want to take different risks and it may take a few posts for me to work out the kinks in this logic.

What it boils down to (for today) is this: there are a lot of hateful, crazy people out there. There are a lot of REALLY bad drivers out there. There are a lot of weird things that could happen to end my life suddenly but in the meantime I want to live a bigger life. I want to enjoy who I am. I want to do something to improve the world.

And as we enter the deadliest time of year we might want to remember to ground ourselves so we aren't those unlucky folks who stop paying attention just long enough to drive into a ditch, or plow into another car, or experience some equally dreadful happenstance. If you give anyone anything this year, try to give yourself the gift of life by paying attention.

I'll take being around for another day over any sort of material gift that someone can bestow on me.

What is the gift?

Death and dying, and living to tell the tale. Is that a gift?

Being rejected. Is that a gift?

What is the gift?

I don’t do Christmas. And not because I’m Jewish and not because I'm a Scrooge. I don’t do Christmas because I really hate all the expectation and commercialization that surrounds this celebration. Now if we were to get back to the bare bones and celebrate Christ, I would probably be able to get behind that. I’m not 100% certain that Christ lived but I do like the message of deep love (not to be confused with romantic love) and compassion that I believe Christ embodies. I love the idea of Christ consciousness, that we all aspire to be more than we are and that we give something to each other. By give I don’t mean a sweater or an iPad or some such.

 
If you were one of my friends you would probably be okay with the fact that I give 100% of myself to you in your times of need, or I'm just super funny the rest of the time; that you wouldn’t receive a material object from me come December 25th would not be an issue. I don’t have a lot to do with my family of origin. We don’t mesh on a lot of levels. No gifts exchanged with them for sure. I send them a generic sort of love and by that I mean that I don’t bear them any ill-will. And given how some of them have treated me over the years, that’s saying something.

But let’s get back to the gift.

In previous posts I’ve mentioned that I have already had a close encounter with death. (Actually I’ve had 3 very close “calls” but I usually only talk about the dying process I experienced in 2005.) I had a friend whose mother had survived cancer and she was always talking about life being a gift and that she valued each moment. The one thing is, her talk was cheap. She was an extremely fearful person and it was tough to be around her, she did not embody the gratitude she spoke of. So I don’t speak of having survived as a gift. I look at each day as another opportunity to improve upon the previous day. Sometimes I’m successful, other times I’m not.

But now comes the interesting part. My agent has sent my book out. And right now I’m 7 for 7 as far as rejections go. It’s been a long few months. Send book out. Receive rejection letter. Repeat.

The funny thing is I’m kind of fired up. I’m like, “You won’t publish my book? Just wait mofo. The editor who publishes my book is going to be one lucky duck.” I’ve set my intention and I’m one of those people; when I make up my mind. I’ve made up my mind.

When I think of all I went through to find an agent, I’m left to believe that this is all a process. (And to be honest, as soon as the book has been bought I have to revise. And I’m burnt to a crisp after this year. So I don’t mind this tiny reprieve.)

You’ve heard it here and you heard it first. New Year. New Me. My book deal is just around the corner.

The signed contract will be the gift. And the start of a whole new chapter. I can’t wait!

If I could quiz you on this I would.

watch here

"Sometimes I didn't eat...I was led by a passion. I thought this is going to work."

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People, please go in search of your this-is-going-to-work moments.